Year of prospect - 2014

10 days after my previous post, as I was lulling away at a resort in BR Hills, celebrating our 4^th anniversary, Pranathi called. Pranathi, who was initially and went on to become one of my closest pals over the years along with arguably being my sister and/or sister-in-law.

She shared with us the good news of her wedding proposed to be held in December of the year. The news, along with making me want to get back to Bangalore immediately, also marked my calendars busy for all weekends for the rest of the year.

The last 6 months we have be submerged in wedding preparation and with 2 other weddings in the family in the mean time, I have had very little time to spare.

So I am back here at the brink of new year hoping that the coming year will see more posts than any of the previous. This year, I drifted from the usual rut of resolutions and decided to make a progress chart.

I have made a table similar to the attendance sheet at school. Only in place of the names, I have the list of things that I plan to do. Every day that I carry out an activity, I will mark a tick against the date. That way, at the end of each month, I can see tangible progress and also work out a plan at including items in my schedule, that I have ignored. There are no goals on the list, just tasks.

So my list doesn’t read “Lose Weight”. But it sure has “Exercise for 30 minutes” and “Eat healthy”. I have also included “Write” on the list though not specifically mentioning the blog.

So looking forward to a year full of moves in the right direction and also a fun-filled year with Baby A starting to express by words. More on him in my next post!

Happy New Year 2014!!

Picking up where we last left off…

Life goes on like a sinusoidal wave. Soon after my last post, things kept changing suddenly giving little time for me to keep pace.

A lovely start to the Tamil New year…. but alas, short-lived joy. After a week full of unknowingly the last time for many good things shared with her, a life changing incident brought her to the dingy indoors of a hospital. Thereafter 2 months of ceaseless pain and agony. Two months of togetherness, but hardly. Two months of service, but to no avail. Two months…. and I lost the most important person of my life.

Another two months pass, and even while I am trying to gather myself from the grief, the news of a brewing baby in my tummy. What an irony, like she left the vacancy for me to get the seat…. Motherhood.

Come the next Tamil New year, we impatiently awaited the arrival of our child. He was born; a tender, innocent bundle of joy - Akash.

The next few months zapped past amidst poop filled diapers, wet cloth nappies, lullabies and silent conversations with my little one over feeds. Time flew as I looked forward to each development and every new action was a milestone reached. From staring at eternity, to the social smile, to kicking around, to the motor sounds, the first flip, the toothless grin, the first inch forward, the jabber, the sitting, the first pearly white, the standing and most recently, the first step ahead.. I kept ticking them off the list.

In between of so much, the initiation to the day care happened. And of course, my return to work.

After months of late nights shuttling between the baby and work, work finally slowed down. With A turning one, the night feeds stopped allowing me night-full sleep after more than a year.

The usual chores keep the days busy but the rage is over. Life is back to the schedules with mornings packed with cooking, dropping A at daycare and getting set for office. Evenings are well-spent playing with A and preparing for the next days. The time is come again when I have time for myself, time for the blog, time…

Is this the calm after the storm? Or before?

My new venture...

Clutch & Brake, Clutch & Brake, Clutch & Brake… Keep the steering steady, stay on the left side of the road… Apply the clutch while changing gears, check the road width while taking U-turns…control the speed at 30kmph, … give the correct hand signals, always use left and right indicators, … apply hand break while parking, leave the parked vehicle in 1st gear, stay in 2nd gear in turns and crossroads….

Yes, you guessed right, I am learning driving :)

The Return

Last week I completed 27 years on Mother Earth. Since this was my first birthday after marriage, a lot of people were enquiring about the events lined up for the day. Since we were in a crucial stage of my project, taking a day off was out of question. In the evening Hubs had to go to Mysore for some urgent work. Hence whatever the celebration, had to be done between 12am and 8 am in the morning.

Truthfully, I was already expecting a midnight cake cutting, with flowers, chocolates and new clothes. The previous evening, Hubs left early from office and seemed all busy. When I reached home, I was not allowed into one of the rooms.

Hubs kept impatiently looking at the clock until it finally struck 12. I entered the room beautifully lit with fancy candles, cherry flavour emanating from some of them. The room was decorated and had Post-its all over the wardrobes. There were flowers, there were chocolates, all that I think makes a wonderful birthday. I started off with cutting the cake amidst artificial snowfall courtesy Kiran. The cake was awesomely tasty!!!

I took some time moving around reading the messages over each of the post-it. They were funny, cute and lovable all at once. As I moved further, a post-it on the balcony door read, “Enter to find your surprise gift”. My mind was blank I couldn’t think of anything that could give me a surprise. I stepped in.

My heart jumped with joy and I wanted to squeal like a baby. It was an old friend – a very special one. I spent most of my adolescence talking to it, riding it, confiding in it. Everybody knew I had my heart on it.

This one is a lavender colour grace. It is called Hero – Miss India. One look and it brought back memories of my maroon BSA SLR. Though it was given away some years back, I always longed for a cycle for me to go on my little adventurous expeditions. I also kept mentioning it every now and then but never thought Hubs would actually get one for me. It was indeed the best-est birthday gift I could get!!

The remaining of the day was mostly uneventful. Of course, not to forget the cake cutting and free chocolate cream facial I got at office. A lot of school and college friends, some really close mates called to wish. Without doubt I had a very special and memorable 1st birthday after marriage and loved every moment of it!!

Milestones...

It is that time of the year again, when the countdown to the New Year has begun. It is once again time to make resolutions, check on old resolutions, and renew the contract for some past resolutions. It is once again the shortest day of the year and it is once again the day when this blog was started.

For one, I can pat on my back for having braced the storm of distractions for an entire year. The number of posts made in this year is 26, which on an average means a post a fortnight, which sounds good and regular. However, I regret not being as regular as the average seems. There have been times when I posted twice a week and sometimes, months when posts never happened.

The past year had a good mix of personal thoughts, festivals and incidents. I may not call this a laudable beginning, but atleast it was a beginning. Having stepped on the one year milestone, it is now time to take my blog somewhere. The journey so far was unplanned and the target as just to fill; to remember to come back to this space; not let it bury under the sands of time.

This was my New Year Resolution for the year 2009, and I grant myself that I lived upto it. This year, I renew my resolution, although making it more competitive. This year I resolve not just to add on to this page but to find a Purpose to this blog, Plan my entries and follow a Pattern. I also plan to put up pics occassionally alongside the text.

Incidentally today I also complete 7 whole months of marital bliss. True to the word, it has indeed been bliss. Like the wise men said, “Marriage is an eye opener”. It not just opened my eyes to the fine person that Hubs is but also to a few qualities in me that are too deeply etched for me to deny. No matter how much I disagree, I realize I am quite a stubborn person with a fixed mind, rarely open to change. Another surprise to me was that I am not as calm a person as I thought I was and can sometimes have a really short temper.

In the beginning of the New Year, I hereby also resolve to overcome my shortcomings gradually, bit by bit, one after the other.

On this yet another hopeful note, I conclude.

Ah I forgot to mention, coming weekend there is a trip to Ooty awaiting me. Hopefully I should have a piece about it before the New Year sets in!!

I have changed...

I spent a few minutes today reading one of my age-old blogs and boy, was I impressed?! I never realized then that I have a flair for writing. Now, when I have started writing again after a break of few years, I see in myself neither talent nor passion. My command over the language seems to have disappeared. I often find myself struggling to make my point while the right words never make it further than the tip of my tongue….probably coz its been more than a while since I picked up a book to read. Besides, I am no more a thinker that I once used to be.

Lack of thoughts – rather, not spending enough time with my thoughts leads to a drop in the number of posts. My diary which used to be randomly filled with my tryst with philosophy and the inner mind, runs dry.

Talking of changes, I have almost given up my daily prayers so too my exercises. It wouldn’t be fair to blame all these changes to my ‘hectic life-after-marriage’. If anything, my life now is easier than before. I have the entire morning to myself, whatever way I choose to waste it. Cooking happens only for one time that too invariably spills over for the next day’s meal.

The only way to explain this then, is to confess on my laziness. Now, is repair time. I plan to get back all the good habits that I once had and at the first place stop cribbing about lack of time. Closing this post on a hopeful note of having more topics to write on more frequently….

Finally

Yippee!! Just 5 days to go and then I will be home. J I am so excited…. Ah! How long I waited for this excitement to set in. Generally a month before my date of vacation, my GTalk status already carries a countdown. This time it never felt like I was going home even though the date was so close…. until yesterday. Probably the lingering thought that my leave would be cancelled considering the status of my project at work.

Yesterday, just like I expected, I was asked if my vacation could be postponed. Only after I argued, complained, fought and convinced, I was granted my will. And no sooner, the excitement was starting to be visible on my face. The whole of last night I haven’t slept a blink. My mind was drawing pictures of the forthcoming week. It was like a auto run slide show of me scurrying from office to make it to the station in time, the wobble wobble of the train journey, the peering out of the window waiting for the train to chug into Mumbai station, daddy’s happy face, visits to various houses, showcasing my favourite city to Hubs, the nice rickshaw guys returning every rupee without another thought, Mummy-cooked food and more.

Well, the fact remains that I am going home and it is natural for me to go sleepless with exhilaration. But, I am oh so worried that if all the following nights continue this way, I am going to sleep-stay in Mumbai, sleep-walking to places, sleep-talking with people and wishing them a Happy Sleep-Diwali.

If there were a tomorrow...

I frequented her house as her daughter and I were classmates. More than classmates, best friends. I needed no occasion to sleep over at her place. Even my sudden visits would be responded by delicious food & lots of chatting. All this, even when she would have just returned from school, tired of listening to the noise little ones make.

I remember the one time when I went. She opened the door saying, “I knew you would not let Gayu alone at this time. I knew you would come to pep her up.” Her eyes were giving away the truth that she was holding her tears. She was a great mother.

As I moved out of the city, my trips to her place dwindled. Sporadic, but yet periodic. This time I stayed over at her place, the house was full of guests. It was her daughter’s wedding after-all. On the Wedding day morning, she pleaded that I cajole he daughter to wear the poo-jadai she had bought. After the wedding, she blessed that I get married soon too… I noticed the moistening of her eyes then.

Shortly, I got married… she was not present, but her wishes came along with her husband, and mails from her daughter. She was bed-ridden. I couldn’t see her, but I know her eyes were wet again. I promised myself I would see her when I go back home for Diwali.

But alas, this time she left my eyes drenched….

My childhood & I

I am tired of working second shift. Yea, I know you’d say its better than working double… but this doesn’t suit me either. I know until very recently, I loved working 12 hour days. I never even minded taking client calls in the middle of the night. Buy you see times are different now. I reach office at 12:30 and wait for opportunities when I can run away at 8, not even waiting for my shift hours to complete. Then it doesn’t even matter if I have to sneak away without my Manager’s knowledge or I need to leave myself online to make him believe I am yet at office.

While in the cab I restlessly look at the watch time and again wondering why it takes so long to be home. I literally jump off and run all the way up the stairs. When I reach, I am always jubilant as if my day has just begun. I go on and on with narrations of what happened through the day…. Just like I used to when daddy came back home after a tiring day at work, just like I used to every evening on the way home from school as mummy tugged me occasionally to keep me off the middle of the road, just like I used to when my sis returned after her never-ending tuition classes, just like I used to when I met my cousin after a while…

This mindless chatter that I oh so cherish, I thought was childhood… but I guess this is actually what it means to go back to family.

No.. you are not forgotten...

I know its been more than a fortnight now since i scribbled something in. Its just time... rather the lack of it that is keeping me away. Lots of things have happened in the past week. Among boring appears tall and large, 'OFFICE-work'. Among interesting is definitely Ganesh Chaturthi (related post coming up soon) and very recently, fulfillment of my dream which I never gave enough priority until it happened.

As the task of setting up our house is yet on, Hubs and I never relent from cooking up new ideas every once in a while. All excited after buying a new Drill Gun, completely floored by how well it works, Hubs wanted to go on a drilling spree around the house, reminding me of termites (no.. i am NOT going to spray termite medicine on him). Just to help him an opportunity to exercise his fancy, we went rummaging through our wedding gifts trying to get some wall hangings we could put up in the house. There was this one photoframe, looking at which Hubs' bulb glowed, "Why not put up 3 photos diagonally on this wall?" Evening come, we were photoframe shopping to Jayanagar. Right at the store, while selecting the frames, I remembered my long time dream of having not 1-2 or3 but an assortment of photos on the wall... like a photo-collage In no time the idea was bought and we were on our way home with 7 frames :)

It is funny how sometimes, you wish something and never expect it to come true - but it does. And when it does, it gives you mega-tonnes of happiness!!!

Obsessed!!

My body aches at the slightest movement… so much so that I need to be prepared to brace the pain even if I need to stretch. But my mind seems to have fallen in love with the source of the pain… to the extent that I dreamt about it all of last night.

The green screen of the TV in front of me, my arms swinging from side to side holding on tightly the remote control of the Wii. I woe up this morning thinking about last evening when both Hubs and me had a smashing time at heis cousin Preety’s house, playing games on the Wii. It is not just a little more than a video game, it is in fact absolute fun.

I loved the gadget so much that the not-so-impulsive me has taken a back seat giving way to an obsessed me all set to own the thingamajig.

So anybody who is listening, get me a Wii by Nintendo and be assured that I will love you for the rest of my life!!

College friends are truly irreplaceable!!

She was speaking to her fiancé who had just landed in India for their wedding. She lazily tossed around in her bedroom while Topi sat looking bored on the sofa in front of her. Topi was a little excited from within though she had to maintain her mundane face… she didn’t want to let the cat out. This was after all her last few days with everyone in Mumbai. After the wedding, she would fly back with her husband. Topi’s cell rang. She moved to the balcony and leaning out, she spoke into the mic in a soft tone. “Where are you?”. She hung up quickly thinking about their last night’s conversation, “Shilpa is really busy with her office work, doing night outs. She is scared she may not be able to make it to your wedding.” She was visibly upset but only momentarily. She swiftly replied, “I know Shilpa re… there are yet 3 days for her to come na, she will finish all her work and be here.”

She was yet on the phone while the doorbell rang. Appa opened the door. “Hey, its you? Come in come in” he said. “Gayu”, he called out. “Look who has come”. “Who has come? Send them in”, she screamed back yet over the phone. “Hi!!” She turned back with a jolt disbelieving her ears. Her ears weren’t playing tricks on her. It was indeed Shilpa’s voice!! She yelled, “Hey Kamini!! Tu kab aayi??” Immediately the phone was hung up and sooner than you would expect, she was jumping with joy.

It is this one moment I will treasure all my life…. The joy on her face at that flash, the smile on Topi’s face and at the same time, the ecstasy that brimmed in my heart. If there was a way we could all re-live that moment, I could do anything for it.

With Gayathri, I always enjoyed giving surprises. Though we have been in different cities for more than 3 years now, it has had no effect on our friendship. Its always the same when we are back together.

Her wedding is without doubt a memorable event in my life. The three days before her wedding when Topi and I stayed back at her house just to spend as much time with her as possible, I hold very close to my heart. Running from pillar to post the evening before her wedding for some last minute purchases, forcing her to agree for make-up, cursing her for not buying enough bangles to go with her sarees, getting her ready on her wedding day were were not only fun for that time, but moments I would cherish all my life.

My World, My Contribution!

For sometime now there has been one side of me that I have been constantly killing. A voice that I have always tried to shut out but that which keeps coming back to me as if determined to make me relent.

When I was relatively new to Bangalore, and I moved into a home by myself, I was determined I was going to use my time constructively – for the construction of some child’s life. I was lucky that in my neighborhood there were not one, but many little ones who didn’t have a background that nurtured education. Within a few days after I moved in, I had a bunch of these angels visit my home regularly. Very soon my return from office would be accompanied by a ruckus of all of them screaming out ‘Aunty, Aunty, can I come now?’ They would throw appreciative glances at the things on my showcase; curiously pick up each and everything, every time enquiring details about the object that had caught their eye. In the beginning they would try to talk to me in broken English. (I didn’t understand Kannada then) We would have a nice time playing about in the house, singing, dancing, and each kid targeting jokes at the other. As time went by I started making them read out of books, write their lessons, and encouraged their talking to me in English, correcting their pronunciation and helping them with new words.

I would occasionally share with them sweets that mummy sent for me, sometimes I bought them chocolates. We played together, danced, sang and had a great time. We shared a wonderful bond.

However, this was short-lived as schedules at work started getting tougher and I was constantly fighting timelines. The ritual of meeting the kids became infrequent and gradually dwindled to never.

It has been over a year now, I miss those days. I keep reminiscing those times when I had set out to make a difference to the world that I share – however small my contribution had been. Off late, whenever the thought has crossed that I should do something to rekindle the good old days, I have brushed it away thinking that I am alone no longer and have a family now.

Today when I saw this mail from our company HR Dept. that a group is going to regularly visit an orphanage and anybody interested may join them, I got all kicked about the idea and decided I should atleast talk to Hubs about my this secret desire. The thought was so pressing that I couldn’t wait until evening to vent it out. Hence this post.

Solace at last

Last Monday I had a client interview which I got to know the previous Thursday. Everything happened like it usually does before an exam – I was nervous, I ate a lot while pouring my head over the books, no washing/cleaning, the smile from my face lost somewhere. In short - I quit living for the next three days. It took the whole of Thursday for me to decide what all I needed to study. By Friday morning, I had collected all the study material I was going to spend the next two day reading.

Through Friday, all I did at work was read, read and read. How much was I able to cram? -Nothing. Did I tell you I was too nervous to understand what I was reading?

I though I’d sleep early that night and resume cramming after I wake up fresh in the morning. But, I should have known myself better. No question of being fresh when all I did was watch nightmare after nightmare all through the night. The alarm went off at 5 and I was out of bed and with my books again.

Through Saturday I was hand-delivered all my meals by Hubs while all I did was study. By the end of Sunday and I was all tired of this study-study schedule. The house had stopped looking my own with things strewn all over the place. The sink was overflowing and the pile of unwashed clothes had starting competing with the Himalayas.

I was going back to bed this time more worried about my nightmares than my interview tomorrow. I knew exactly what was going to happen then. After repetitive visits to the washroom, I would finally end up at the meeting room. My hands would be cold and my mind, numb. My voice would shiver; my brain would reject every word closely related to a question. ‘I don’t know’ would be my favourite sentence for the next half hour and I would never dare attempt to relate the question with anything I have seen in the past.

With thoughts about tomorrow zooming through my head, I tried every way to calm myself down. Hubs was for no reason acting weird today. He wanted me to narrate a story – ‘our famous Girl Boy story’ which started at Masinagudi. A little irritated about his un-understanding behaviour, I started the tale. As I went on with it, I got further and further drawn into it. Off and on he kept reminding me of little particulars here and there. I sometimes accepted, sometimes objected, sometimes clarified, sometimes defended and hereby went on, and on… until I fell asleep. Next morning, I had been well-rested and refresh. I realized why he had been so stubborn on me narrating the story. It had worked!

The interview happened. Yes, I was sh*t nervous. My mind skipped many questions but managed to grasp some. However, I managed to clear it.

^^ our famous girl boy story is the story of how we met on a life-changing trip to Masinagudi and the proceedings of the outing.

My Love for Material

It was yet another Sunday morning…. probably the last one in this home. I yawned again but this time my head weighed heavy. I had a lot of stuff on my To-Do list and I had hardly begun. As I scanned through the stuff in the room wondering how I was going to fit it all into cartons, my mind wavered into the past.

“I like the house but I cannot afford that much advance, can you reduce it a little?” After a series of negotiations between the owner, broker and me, I finally settled into my little palace with a suitcase full of clothes and a duffle bag to hold toiletries and other trivia.

I had barely stepped in and I had to run down to buy a broom – the first thing I bought for my new house. That was just the beginning. Soon, Ishan and I were out on the streets, looking for the best offers available for me to set up my house. We started off with dusters, brushes, and mattresses; then moved on to items for the kitchen. Stuffing his car with all sorts of stuff, we went on to select my cupboard. I wonder where we got all the energy from… we traveled across the city only in search of the best deals. When we reached home at 9:00, we had a bill 3 feet long and two rooms filled with packages, bags, cartons, vessels, accessories, appliances and everything else you can think of.

Too tired to do anything, I went off to sleep leaving everything as it was. The next morning – a Sunday morning, the first in my house, I woke up to no tea or coffee. I hadn’t yet set up my gas stove. Nor did I have enough provisions to make myself breakfast. Today was going to be no easier than yesterday. I had to book my gas at the agency nearby. The cupboard was due for delivery and I needed to set the stuff to where was going to be their permanent location, thus making space for the cupboard. Ishan was kind enough to lend me his wooden chest which I could use for ironing and also stacking some of my clothes.

At the end of Day 2, I was sort of set for a living. I yet needed a lot of stuff like curtains, and other upholstery – but that could wait until the next weekend. As time went by, I kept adding a little this and that to my place and before I knew it, it was a full-fledged home with loads of my personal touch to it. It reminded of the verse “I love my house, I love my Nest; In all the world My Nest is Best!!” from my favourite book “The Best Nest” – ah!! Childhood memories :-)

Two years hence, this other Sunday, I again have no time to enjoy the morning sun, nor make coffee as my stove is given away. It is time to say good bye to my beloved. Not human, not living but mere brick and mortar. This home of mine has been my lucky charm, my constant support, well-wisher and friend. It has been witness to my laughter and cheer, and tears alike. It has been my partner in solitude, independence, strength and fear. In its shelter, I have seen life, learnt and grown.

This is the place that I can call my own. Even at 80 when I look back, the thought of this home will make me smile. It will enliven my youth - my freedom days. It will remind me of what I am and what I have the capability to be.

When I return the keys to its owner, I might not shed a tear. But my heart will take a thump as I move on to My New Home.